BJJ stereotypes

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Every gym has one if not more than one. Sometimes you’ll come across a hybrid that may have 2 or 3 characteristics in them! Have a laugh on behalf of the UG.

The Craftsman- You roll with the guy for 5 minutes and get tapped 5
times. The guy is good but even he doesn’t know exactly what he’s
doing. He just sees something and tries for it because he knows the
joint doesn’t bend that way. You’re learning moves together as he taps
you out.

Mr. Goodwrench- This guy just tools you. Not for any negative reason,
but just because he knows his stuff. If you go hard, he taps you for
being over-aggressive, if you go light he taps you for not pressuring
and thus giving up position. If you are in between he just controls you
and sweeps or reverses you at will. When you look at him in disbelief
he just looks at you like “What… did time run out?”

The Pretzel- Every move you’ve ever practiced becomes difficult because
this guy can get into positions that would make a pretzel cringe.

The Risk Taker- This guy does such unexpected, often ridiculous stuff
that ends up working because you weren’t expecting a back handspring
guard pass or head stand to armbar from halfguard, etc.

The Mailman- This guy takes the same route for 2 years and gets caught
in the same submissions or set-ups every time. He never changes his
guard passing routes, and becomes totally predictable.

“just got back from Rio” guy-
This guy is good, and since he just spent 6 months training his ass off
in Rio he is super smooth. But he wants to make his home school into
the place he trained in Rio. He shakes hands with everyone in the room
before sitting down to stretch asking “tudo bem?” He answer’s his cell
phone “fala”. He speaks in portuguese with the instructor when he talks
about how to beat someone without wanting them to know it. He counts in
portuguese. If you want to get on his good side and get him to show you
some cool **** he learned down south, just ask him about his time in
Rio, he will be more than happy to tell you about it. Everyone who goes
to brasil is guilty of this when they get back…

Pre excuse guy- This guy has to tell you of every ailment, injury,
pain, he has in his body, to not allow you to attack those areas. “Oh
dude, my (insert body part) been hurting, so no (insert submission)
today” Sometimes this guy goes into pre excuse emotional problems he
has, and how it will affect his training. If he’s been really shitty
on the mat lately, it’s because he broke up with his girl, and he’ll
let you know about it, so you understand why he stinks.

The laugher- This guy rolls with you and is constantly laughing at
everything to make the roll so friendly that you won’t push any
competition against him, or hurt him in anyway. You’re rolling and get
by the wall, “Hahahaha…. dude we’re way too close to the wall, I
didn’t want us to go through the wall….hahahaha…could u imagine,
kaplosh!! Then we went through the wall and everyone would look and be
like OH **** THEY WENT THROUGH THE WALL..Hahahaha”

Your best friend (Talker)- This guy is very similar in his thinking, to
the laugher. As soon as you start rolling, this guy wants to know what
you did over the weekend, what you’ve been up to, how you’re great with
the ladies, and your good at bjj… Again this guy thinks being overly
friendly prevents competition.

Drama guy- This guy is somewhat tough, but as you push the rolling,
sometimes your feet hit his head (incidental), or you go for a cross
face, and everything you do is a HUGE injury to him. He constantly
stops training to let you know that your finger almost touched his eye,
and how he needs a 5 minute timeout, because it left him completely in
a daze…he’s confused at where he’s at now. This guy I hate the
most, because he literally kills training with all the drama he puts
into every tiny incidental contact.

Practice hero- This guy stinks, so you roll easy with him, and he’s
convinced he can “come up” in the rankings by tapping you, so he’ll go
wild out and try hit some crazy heel hook in an effort to get noticed
in the class, and loved by the teacher. He trains balls out with zero
technique….he wants to be noticed by the entire class

The Sherdog Guy- This dude never trains but comes in every couple of
weeks to let you know all the updated info he has on the MMA game, and
how he knows so much more than you do, about what’s going on with
rival teams in Brazil.

Dominic’s Apprentice – goes to class 4-5 days a week, works his ass
off. But no matter how hard he tries he just doesn’t get any better.
He’ll get caught in the exact same armbar 10 times a roll. He still
can’t defend the triangle choke. And he gets mounted by everyone.

“Gotta Go” Guy- This guy always “has to go somewhere” at the exact
moment when class shifts from technique/drills to rolling. “Yeah, I got
a conference call in two hours…”

Reformed Gangster (troublemaker)- This guy usually turns out in the
long run to be the coolest, or the biggest douche bag in the short run.
This guy covers all forms of troublemakers or gangsters. He’s a cholo
who thinks he’s a badass cuz his vario is tough. He’s a black guy
who thinks he’s a badass because he’s black. He’s a white guy who
thinks he can kick ass because he gets faded on the weekends and starts
fights with guys at a trashy bar. Each one of these guys comes in with
a huge chip on their shoulder, and they get HUMBLED so quickly. After
tapping them 6 ways to Sunday every rolling session, as the months go
by (if they continue to train), they completely lose their hard
gangster persona…. its funny to see the transition of some cholos to
just a tough ass calm dude down the line….

The “Professor”- Rolls around like any other guy and can have any
skill-level but when you finally get his back and struggle to choke the
**** outa him he goes wait, you’ve got wrong mechanics… wait you
gotta do like this.. More like that etc. He lets you understand that he
didn’t get caught and he’s not about to get the **** choked out of him,
in fact he’s just in the process of showing you how to choke.

The All Hat No Cattle Guy- Has every PRIDE and UFC on tape, has every
BJJ book ever published, every BJJ instructional video/DVD ever
produced, has a wide range of gis to choose from, has at least 10,000
posts on the UG, can recite the contents of bjj.org from memory, and
sucks at BJJ; will be awarded a blue belt in about ten years out of
pity.

THE GOOD **** GUY- He’s similar to the professor, in that he can’t
accept tapping….so if you are transitioning to a triangle choke, and
he’s kind of sunk, but before you fully finish the hold, he’ll tap
and give it to you. This guy always taps on the transition to a move,
not the move itself, and says “Good **** ” like he let u catch
him….and considering he didn’t tap when you completely had the
choke sunk in, you didn’t really beat him.

The ‘Let’s Go Light Guy’ who then proceeds to decapitate you and tear
you limb from limp with neck cranks and head squeezes

The Gasser – Goes all out for 30 secs and blows his wad. Then taps when
u get a dominant position

The ‘this is my first lesson’ guy- which translates to ‘this is my
first lesson here’ but I was an NCAA div 1 wrestling champ and trained
in Brazil for a few years

The SPY: This guy comes in one day, is very friendly, seems to know a
lot about BJJ scene and says he’s from out of town. He rolls and blends
in with the students, seems like a very promising prospect for the
club.
Result: You never see him again after the first class and months later
when browsing a competition’s website you see the mother****er in their
seminar photos being one of their “regulars”.

THE FARTING MACHINE GUY – Guy that always farts every single time he
rolls. Knee on stomach…. FART! Mount…. FART! Try to push out of his
guard…. FART! Even in north/south…. FART! In your face! FART! FART!
FART! Nothing like an ass-in-your-face stink sub.

The Shadow boxer: The guy who has some striking martial art experience
(usually a TMAer who can’t accept the fact that his black belt is being
rendered useless by these 150-lb. guys who tap him relentlessly) and
decides to feint it in BJJ class. While rolling, will throw fake shots,
to simulate a Vale Tudo match. Convinced that a punch will change the
pace of the match from anywhere, in the clinch, from his guard, while
mounted by someone much better. Usually, this specimen’s actions can be
halted with a quick leg grab/take down while he is throwing a knee from
the clinch.

Takada Guy:
His one goal is to not tap under any circumstances, considering that
lasting is almost like winning. This guy mounts no offence at all and
concentrates exclusively on tucking in all his extremities and
‘nullifying’ your game. After a round of wasting your time and his,
will give you the “you couldn’t tap me, so we’re about even in skill”
look and gasp his way to the sidelines to sit the next roll out.

Or the “one move wonder” guy
This is the guy who manages to get really good at one
position/submission and only goes for that one particular move. While
somewhat impressive in the beginning, this is the eternal blue belt
that dominates the beginners but never develops the rest of his game.
Normally seen with a bronze or silver medal at the local tourneys.

The Former Star guy
This guy used to be one of the best in the class, able to do anything
to anyone whenever he wanted. Stops training for a while, comes back
and gets all disappointed that other people have actually improved and
gotten better than him since he left. Usually decides to train hard for
a week or two to regain his position, but gets frustrated quickly when
he doesn’t immediately become godlike. Very often decides to write a
book about grappling or discuss game plans with others instead of
actually practicing or rolling.

The “Getting Serious Again” guy- is my favorite. He has been training
for as long as you can remember. He comes to class after being out for
a while and always says the same thing..”Man, I (insert excuse like
injury, wife or g-friend, kids, work, car trouble, finances), but I’m
back for good now, you’ll see me here everyday!” and then he again
disappears after like 2 weeks of training. 3 or 4 months down the
road…repeat above sequence.

Or, the “Just wanted to let you know I’ll be back Tuesday” guy who you
never ever see but calls you or e-mails you every month to tell you
he’ll be there “Tuesday”.

The *** — First day for any whitebelt, the *** will try to
heelhook them, neck crank them, or otherwise grind the **** out of them
just to feel an ounce of power. Since the *** won’t train with any
serious challenges, however, the whitebelt will eventually surpass him,
and the *** will mysteriously disappear from class.

The Future Champ — He is pure Bigger wanna-be cariocha, knows the
names of every BJJ champ and the latest gossip from the UG. He talks
about being Mundial champion from whitebelt, yearns to move to Brazil
to train, is always looking to do another seminar or private with a
Brazilian, and yet does not attend class regularly, always has an
injury or excuse when it’s time to compete, wants to drill rather than
spar, and talk rather than drill.

The De-Man-Izer — This is the small person (often a girl) who will
single out the biggest, highest ranking male she can find, then fling
her tiny body at him and proceed to beat him down and tap him within an
inch of his life. Often, her victims will lose all testicular
fortitude, cry, and quit the sport for life…

The Tough-Ole-Bastid — This is the guy who started later in life but
despite his age, he is tougher than 90% of the twenty-something..s
humble, and scared as **** . This guy will tap you at times, then
immediately talk about how he sucks, and you’re so much better and it
was pure luck….to get over that initial awkward feeling between you
two, when you just tapped to him.

The Take Every Advantage Guy:
This Guy can always be found taking any advantage he can get while
rolling. If starting on knees, he’ll stand up to get leverage. He’ll
accidentally rip one of your fingers back to break your grip. He’ll
poke you in your *** to get you to stop from going for that leglock.
When you finally get him in a bad position, he’ll ask you stop for a
minute “because we are too close to the wall,” and then he’ll want to
restart back on the knees. This Guy acts this way because he treats
every training session as the Finals of the Pride Grand Prix.

THE LAZY POSSUM:
This guy has some skills but he fights really lazy and defensively most
of the time and you think you have his number.
But on occasion when there’s an audience or some chick watching he
decides to bring his A game and you’re in a world of surprise, the guy
suddenly becomes Marcelo Garcia on the mats.

The Gassing Giant – This guy is an ex-power lifting bouncer type who
throws you around for 5 minutes, but then winds up on his back and as
soon as you think to yourself “now it’s my turn” he suddenly becomes
too exhausted to continue and quickly says “let’s take a break man”.

“SACK OF KNEE AND ELBOWS” guy
A squirmy ***, usually an explosive athlete, you dominate this guy,
but you feel like someone put you in a sack full of knees and elbows
and started to shake it violently. After rolling, you are bruised up,
if not cut.

THE EX KUNG FU OR AIKIDO GRANDMASTER GUY He always reassures you in the
fact that he is a blackbelt in some traditional style , as you start to
roll he grabs you with a death grip from hell and will never pull guard
, even after two years of training. You pull guard and sweep him with a
basic butterfly guard because if you pull closed guard he just grabs
and pinches your arms making it not worth your effort. You pass his
guard and mount, and even after being told 253 times that you cannot
wrist lock a guy and throw him off from the bottom mount, he tries it
again, and you start salivating from his arm being extended as you
slowly move into the armlock.

The Judoka Guy:
Similar to the “name that sub” guy, but this one names the sub in
Japanese “yep, that’s juji-gatame” and every time the instructor shows
a technique he nods his head and names it in Japanese.

The NO-RESPONSIBILITY Guy:
This is the young guy who is maybe 20 yrs. old who lives at home. His
mom washes his gi, makes him dinner, and all he does is go to 2 college
classes a day and trains the rest. He is always saying you should come
down to train Wrestling at another place or Striking at another,
meanwhile you have a 9 to 5, wife and kids and a mortgage…

THE LOT SHARK- This guy drives to jiu jitsu, trolls the parking lot to
make sure none of the guys who hand him his ass’s cars are there before
coming in.

THE EARLY RETIREMENT GUY- Taps you the one time in his life and then
retires “one up” for life.

THE Seagal GRAPPLER- Tries to take you down by tweaking your
wrist….just cant believe that **** won’t work.

How about the “Street tough” guy- who watched a couple UFC’s and
decides to come down to the gym and “**** people up.” This guy
inevitably picks the weakest looking member of the gym and demands to
roll with him. Unfortunately for them, the small little guys they pick
are usually awesome technicians and they destroy the tough guy. I love
playing along with the student when the tough guy demands to spar him.
I’ll say stuff like “Do you want to roll with this new guy? Are you
sure? He outweighs you and looks pretty mean. If you’re scared or
nervous it’s ok.”

The “Heel Hook Hero”
This guy has no idea how to pass the guard and he doesn’t want to
learn. All he wants is to fall back and do his best Ken Shamrock
impression. When he meets someone who won’t fall for it he convinces
himself that he can beat the guy if he just trains a few more leg
locks.

The Pressure Pointer:
Usually a black belt in some other form of martial art who once you
mount him or working on chocking him, he’ll try to do some kind of
pressure point prior to tapping.

THE “CHALLENGE THE WEAKEST ANTELOPE IN THE PACK” GUY-This is the guy
that stands around or stretches when everyone first starts rolling.
Then when a new white belt takes a break from rolling, he hops on the
mat and says “hey lets roll a bit”. He then proceeds to own the
fatigued white belt with an assortment of wild crazy subs.

The natural – some guy, usually young, comes into the gym and at first
gets beat all over the mat, but slowly and surely every week, he gets
better. After one week, you can no longer have your way with him. After
two, you can only catch him with your best moves. After three, you are
struggling to tap him. One month passes and you are tapping each other.
Another month and the roles reverse. This is the natural. He will soon
tap people you’ve never even gotten close to.

The FALSE TECHNICIAN –
Every class this guy’s going up to somebody wanting to show them a
“new move” that he’s “invented.” If he considers you
“technical” enough he will let you drill his patented omoplata to
triangle to armlock to kneebar to toehold combo with him. The major
problem with this guy is that he can’t pull any of these moves off on
anybody save for the newest guy. The false technician gets owned by
almost everybody else and burns with hate for those who school him on
the mat with a simpler but more solid game.

The HUMAN VICE
The beginner who plays football or lifts, who’s sole form of defense
and offense is to latch onto your head and squeeze with all their
strength. Then you simply sit in the dominant position, usually side
control, until they become exhausted let go and then tap 3 seconds
later when you go to knee ride or mount

The Lurker Guy: This is the guy who will sit on the wall and watch you
train for an hour w/ every upper belt in the class saving his energy.
Then you lie on the mat exhausted, will come up to say “wanna train?”
but will never train w/ you when you are fresh.

How about the SWEAT DRIPPER GUY- some guy, usually late 30’s, early
40’s, that sweats buckets that DRIP on your face when he’s in your
guard. You pretty much have to tap as his sweat pours into your eyes,
mouth, etc.

Rigormortis guy: His plan is to not let you do anything you want to, by
grabbing your sleeve, pants or whatever and holding them at arms
length. He doesn’t really care if he gets swept or not – as long as his
arms remain frozen stiff…he’s won!

A close relative to Rigormotis guy is Parkinson’s disease guy: He
displays the same brilliant strategy as rigarmortis guy, but makes it
extra special by shaking violently due to muscular fatigue I imagine.

Commando Guy: Thinks that all forms of underwear obviously restrict his
game and hence chooses to go without. Nothing like a testicle rubbing
on your inner thigh to freak you out and let him pass with ease. (Does
help sharpen your north/south position escapes though.)

Kaji-Kempo or Japanese Jiu-jitsu guy- Lets you work on your inferior
BJJ techniques and wants to only work on his BJJ techniques as well,
but has no problem telling you that if you were “really rolling” he
would have done a wristlock to escape but he knows his techniques are
superior so he doesn’t need to work on them.

“You have no time to tap” Guy-The guy that thinks that hurting your
teammates is a necessity in wrestling and will put his hips into every
armbar, triangle, choke, heel hook etc. Gives you no time to tap
whatsoever and pops your elbow until you decide you don’t want to
wrestle with the freak anymore. The guy may even be apologetic
afterwards but if you feel bad why the **** didn’t you give me a second
to tap???

Sambo guy- I get this one all the time. People think that because I
studied under Val Ignatov I have awesome leglocks…Actually most of
our game was working the top position, getting position, and some cool
armbars. We have some good leglocks but don’t completely dismiss your
guard game because of it.

“The wrestler”-NEVER does the takedowns the BJJ instructor shows
because they are inferior, and even when you are drilling that move
shows you the “real” way to do it. Always stands up in your guard and
you always have long grueling matches with him but he never taps you
out. However, your neck is always sore for the next two days because he
has such good head control.

What about “THE INSTRUCTOR”? — He’s the 34 year-old, chubby guy in the
corner with the knee-braces who never rolls anymore b/c he’s recovering
from a neck injury (for the past year or so). That doesn’t prevent him
from sharing his “encyclopedic” knowledge of grappling with anyone with
the misfortune to sit within 15 feet of him. He’s “best-friends” with
the instructor. He’s been to every UFC, every local seminar in the past
10 years, and has memorized every instructional video and book
available, and will tell you about every possible variation, especially
moves that wouldn’t work on a person in a coma.
Oh, and the Instructor will be getting his purple belt “any day now” —
“just as soon as my neck’s better.”

THE GROANER
It is the guy who sits down to roll and groans like his body is 100
years old. He touches every joint and makes facial expressions like he
is overcoming all odds to roll……then bam, he attacks with a fury on
unsuspecting guys who feel sorry for him. Then after the roll, he
staggers off the mat wincing in pain or discomfort, and then repeats
the steps above on other victims.

THE PUNY HUMAN GUY
He doesn’t want to use (or you to use) any strength at all (as if Bjorn
were supposed to develop telekinetic powers).
Whenever you tap him, he’ll look disgruntled because, of course, you
only got him by using strength.

The Attention Deficit Disorder GUY
You think he should be force-fed an overdose of Ritalin before every
class.
He’s rolling with you, but at the same time he’s listening to every
single conversation happening on the mat, and paying some attention to
every other fight.
He’ll give advice to the guys rolling near you AS he tries to pass your
guard, he will laugh at a joke someone made on the other side of the
mat space when you have him in side control, and he will also interfere
with someone else’s conversation when he is in your guard.
One sure way to tap him is pointing to the entrance and say something
like “what’s Royce doing in here ?” and then take his back as he begins
to look around.
Oh yeah…he’s the guy who is always babbling when your instructor is
showing a technique too…

The Stinky Guy- We all know one. Take an f’ing shower once in a
while.

The Nail Guy- Looks like you just rolled with Freddy Kruger afterwards.

The Nasty Sweaty Zitty Back Guy- Come on man, keep your shirt on

1. THE PREPARATION GUY- this guy takes 30 minutes to get ready back
stage while the class is doing pushups. He tapes every finger and toe
with damn medical tape for some reason

2. THE “IM WORKING STANDUP TODAY” GUY

3. THE HOLDER. Thinks getting you in north. South for 30 minutes=
success.

4. The PRE-TAPPER- This guy has such a quick mind that he’s able to
tap 3-4 moves ahead of an actual submission!

I love the ‘positive reinforcement’ guy: Taps you 10 times in 6 minutes
and then goes “man, you’re getting a lot better.”

THE CLASS SIZE REGULATOR- every now and then, when the class gets too
big and the instructor starts making money, the monster comes around
and injures about 20 dudes- resulting in a much more comfortable
training environment for all

“Talker, Texas Ranger” These are the guys who are so afraid of subs
that they can’t rely on tapping but have to verbally submit. But
instead of yelling “TAP!” or “STOP!” They say non-decisive things like
“yeah, ok” or “you got it” When someone gets a knee blown out or
someone gives up a hold thinking you verbally quit because you can’t
just tap the guy’s body, that’s bull***.

The “Spaz”: Closely related to “Let’s go light” except he doesn’t try
to fool you into thinking he’s going light before he goes spastic. This
guy usually is medium sized and just goes crazy in every position
available. If you’re on your knees trying to work for position he’ll
often either bum rush you or try the traditional shove, the spaz will
push as hard as he can from every position and often with much force so
it’s almost a punch, the spaz is also prone to slamming out of
submissions.

THE LATECOMER
This guy shows up to every class exactly when the grueling warm-up is
over and is always fresher than everybody else come rolling time.

The Dumb as a Rock Guy:
This is the one that you try to teach him a technique and he just
won’t get it. After 3 month of drilling upa, he’ll say: “ok, what arm
do I grab again?”

The Faux Gay Guy –
He finds it humorous to act gay and scare people on the mat with it. He
is known to tie his t-shirt under his gi, or challenge other people
while lisping on the mat. Sometimes he will make sexual gestures while
rolling while the victim has no clue why the rest of the class is
laughing. He often requests the instructor to put on 80’s new wave when
he turns on the radio.

WON’T LET YOU PRACTICE *** GUY- This guy is the HANDS DOWN WORST guy
to practice with. Whenever learning a new technique, or
sweep…anything, this guy wont let you do the move (during practice
not rolling). This guy comes in different forms.
1. He won’t let you do the move, because he resists it so much, so
you’re never able to learn the move properly…and you look like an ass
because everyone else in the room is doing it, but you can’t because of
your “tough as balls” partner. His constant resistance makes you look
like crap in front of the instructor.

2. This guy won’t let you learn the move properly because he *******
collapses before you’ve completed the sweep. This guy is like a loose
ass piece of paper. You’re transitioning for the sweep, before you even
kick his leg to turn him, you find he’s already on his back, and he
most likely pulled you on top of him to full mount. Yes, this guy makes
you look great, but in the tournament you get your ass handed to you,
cuz for some reason, your opponent turns into Douche Bag ..1 who
resists!!

Can I Try Something On You? Guy- While rolling, this guy (who has never
tapped you, and will never tap you) says something along the lines of
“Hey, can I try something on you real quick? I just want to work out
the mechanics on something…” He puts you in his rear mount, sinks the
hooks in, and violently puts you in a choke AT THE EXACT MOMENT THE
INSTRUCTOR WALKS BY, you tap, and the instructor says to the guy “Very
good! You’re showing much improvement!” and looks at you with a mild
look of disbelief on his face.

The WhatChaWeigh guy –
Whenever he taps to something, he asks what his opponent weighs. If
it’s even 200 grams more than him, he nods as if to suggest that he
only lost due to weight mismatch. He has probably asked you your weight
at least once a week for the past year. (Note that when this guy fights
smaller people, he forgets to ask)

The BackFromGym guy-
Seems to only come to class on days he has worked out at the gym. Lets
you know that he is tired and weak from his work out. Makes sure you
know exactly how much he benched that day.

The I Suck guy-
Any time he gets tapped by someone at the school he starts loudly
talking about how much he sucks. He keeps repeating this over and over
until someone notices and reassures him that he’s good. If anyone ever
agrees with him that he really does suck, he sulks and doesn’t come
back to class for about three weeks.

.

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3 thoughts on “BJJ stereotypes

    • Take it slow, one day at a time. Try to partner with students close to your size. Most importantly listen to your body. The soreness will get better over time.

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